ADDICTION

It comes in all different forms.


The published definition: "To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually or compulsively". I'm prone to compulsion.

Compulsion is written as "a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, esp. one that is irrational or contrary to one's will".

To be honest, I didn't want to do this tonight... Really, I was lonely. I went to the bookstore as I usually do to do my research for my website. I didn't want to go home and do the usual routine, after the bookstore closed.

I felt restless at the same time I felt dull. Everything in my life, from little to large, seemed so far away.

So, I drove... Chain-smoking and singing in my car to a song that still pains me (irnonically playing at a painful moment). I felt impassioned. I just kept driving.

I thought about playing pool. Having a beer. I thought about walking in by myself. And shrugged it off figuring I've done a lot of things by myself (A scary movie in an empty theatre was probably the strangest). But pool would be no different from the other times. I'm reasonly comfortable in my own skin.



THEN, I thought about not being able to break up the table. Or not being able to get shots in. I thought about all the guys looking at me when I walked in... About how I didn't have any money and I really shouldn't use my credit card. In the end, I did it anyway.

I walked in. But they didn't take credit card and they didn't have a liqour license. (It wasn't my usual dive). Not to mention that guy at the counter had to politely bring it to my attention that I was by myself. I said, "I know". ...And...??? I thought. Well, No credit card. Hmm. My luck. It wasn't meant to be. Let me take my imaginary friend and myself back out the door.

So I went home. I took a long and thoughtful shower, and got myself motivated for the usual routine. Yes, it's pathetic. But not as pathetic as a night of pool by myself, and knowing my compulsion that's what it would have turned into.

I'm starting to think, when I get really consumed with something in particular, I'm actually just addicted to it. What consumes me, I don't know... I'll probably get consumed thinking about what consumes me. Really my brain is like one giant racetrack of circulating overexhausted thoughts.

BUT all in all the night, in the end, was good. I figured out the major glitches in my website, allowing it to be viewed over browser windows of multiple resolutions. And, as I wanted, to line the mock image I have flush up against the right screen. The former being most crucial, crucial.

And I got a couple drawings in. I'm starting to get a good feel for the character. I tried to kill two birds with one stone and throw in some facial expressions. But today's mission (after I pass out) will be strictly facial expressions and cleaning up the images digitally. And hopefully, to begin designing the division-blocks for my site in Flash.

So, there's alot to do... but gosh is it hard to motivate myself out of my rut sometimes.

I'll end it with the small epitamphy of my terrible personality:
"The void calls out for satisfaction, a satisfaction that must be repeated endlessly, since the void is unfillable and that cycle of hunger, momentary completeness and renewed emptiness comes to be the sole drama of the addicts life"

Peter Trachtenberg
Some addictions, I guess, are hopefully, are good addictions.

I DETOURED...

Well, I cleaned off my drafting table, and got my studio organized. I was just itching to work on some artwork. This is Billy Buck, a character whose orignal concept I created about a year ago.... I figured he was the easiest to start off with (and of couse quickest to get finished).

So, yeah, I detoured a bit. But I figured while I was figuring out some kinks in my website and doing my research reading books, I might as well squeeze in some time to build up my portfolio.




I've been digging into Flash books. I ran into a problem with fixed width vs. fluid width. Seems the site I'm using as a layout guide is primarily fluid,and I've been having a problem with my side image floating all over the place when I switch from my desktop browser to my labtop browser. (Atleast I'm understanding the problem... sigh...) Now I have to figure out the best approach. I will probably just adjust everything and go with a fixed layout, but I wanted to do some tests first so I can see exactly how I'll have to adjust the layout with my initial style.

Well, enough about the site. It consumes enough of my thousts. I'd just like to write that it feels good to peel into my roots again. I feel a sense of confidence. Billy still needs a lot of work, but I was a lot more scared before than I am now. I will probably do some more concept designs before bringing him into the 3d application. I'm not happy with his side view (or any of my character's side views for that matter). My characters always look like damn monkeys! I know anatomically that there's definitely an error over there... Gesture wise, I feel he looks pretty comfy in that seat... I don't feel any stiffness in his poses (besides the original concept)... So, that's good.

My next step will just be to get more comfortable drawing the character in all different positions in all different scenarios. I just want to concentrate on representing his personality. And I'd like to do a series of facial expressions. I'm hoping to do this within the next few days, while I run the tests on the site and finish up the site's side image.

As far as my other design, I haven't given up it. I scanned it in, blew it up, printed it out. I plan to adjust the perspective and add in the detail. I'll hash out a good angle in the 3d program with mock objects and print it out. And use that as a reference (By the way, I SUCK at perspective). I credit my teacher and mentor, Jeff Lerer, for that tip! That project will be a looong project... specifically because I want to take a lot of time of detailing. But for some reason I can't get myself to work on it without getting the Wacom tablet first. It gives me motivation to get the stupid tablet! Next month. Next check. I swear it. For now, just Billy and my site. (I know I'm all over the place...)

As far as my life, it's the same old. When I make artwork and I feel the session was successful, it makes me feel really, really good. I guess that's all I can ask for of myself right now. lol.

It may be a long journey, but I got the shoes with good soles. :)
Thank god for inspiration...

Meant To Be This Way... (I'm sure of it)

SO, I get back from Africa, extremely motivated and inspired, but rundown, pyschologically and physically beaten, and jetlagged to the point of near death... Still, I hauled my unlively body out of my sicking matress at nine am, ran my errands, drew out a quick thumbnail or two, and picked up my labtop.

And then... figured I'd top the day off continuing on my site, figuring I'd been neglecting it the past month or so.

Until now, I fail to mention that I had both OS's on my computers customized... So, I had to reinstall everything. The problem was not that I didn't back everything up (because, genius me, I did)...

The problem is that after reinstalling everything, my website files aren't uploading onto the local server correctly. For some reason, everything's misaligned and all over the place... and, to put it short and frank, crapped-out looking. I don't know if it's because I have a new internet explorer or if it's something in my settings. It's too early in the morning to go and figure it out, but I DO know that I arranged my layout 'inline', so it shouldn't be that way (shouldn't being the key word in the sentence)...

Okay, now, THE PLAN:

So, I can salvage what's little left of the little beauty I found in my site... but I can just do as my gut was telling me from the last post I wrote--- Redesign. Make it more Dynamic. I want to throw in some flash. Make it look less generic and more stylish... So, as the header of my post "It Was Meant to Be This Way"... It's not that God hates me, I hope. :(

So, I backtrack a little. I'm going to plow through the internet after I get home from work tomorrow and look for reference; Sites of interest/inspiration and I'm going to analyze them to death, takes notes, and hopefully be able to create the masterpiece I envision. What would you do, besides start tying the knot to hang yourself? lol.

Web Design isn't really my speciality, but if I can acheive beauty out of it, than I could consider it an art... Isn't this what art's all about? Anyway, God bless all you web designers.

Enough. Well, I know I promised I'd upload the sketches I came up with, but I may wait until I get a little farther ahead with the project. With the casuality of my website it seems I may have a lot of project(s) ahead of me... Until then, thanks for bearing with me while I bitch and moan about my bad luck.

A Quick Run Down.

It's Three o'clock in the morning and I have to wake up for a looonng flight to Nigeria tomorrow morning.

I fixed up my page (again) on my Concept Art link and I think I've finally figured out the trick (which would be NOT to alter my page in anyway while at another computer). I'm going to try that, because I don't think I can stand fixing the color components of my page every other week. It's a huge waste of time... So that's my little plan for that: "Don't Touch while away".

Last night in the moonlight I sketched a quick gesture thumbnail of my first concept drawing. I 'll work on a few more, posing the character at different perpectives and more interesting angles. Just to see which I like best.

In any event, for all those who get OC with the fear of your gesture drawing looking horrible, my best advice would be to draw in crappy lighting. You can't see too much, so you don't worry as much. lol. I like the method. Helps me hash things out better. I looked at the sketch today and it actually looks pretty decent (surprisingly). I'll upload my all of the sketches on my next post or so.

Been thinking about my site a lot. How to make it more dynamic looking. I'll sit on that for a couple days and sketch out some layouts of that, too.

And about the Wacom tablet-- God help you people who work on 4x5's! Think I'll wait until I get my paycheck. I'm leaning towards the 6x8 or the 9x12. The 4x5 just isn't worth it.

And I haven't heard anything from that company reccommended me to just yet. I'm crossing my fingers. The man I spoke with on the phone last week said he would email me sometime this week. Ugh. The suspense.

Okay, well, until then, I'm up, up, and away to Africa.

Ugh... Too many Things Interest Me...

I've been very distracted lately. All over the place, yes. Uninspired, no. So, my update is this:

I've been reading these magazines while at work. See what too much down time on the job will do to you?? Anyway, goodbye viral gossip magazines.

I figured if any magazines I should be reading, it should be ones that pertain to my ulimate career desire to be an artist. So I've been reading word-for-word, front-to-back, ads-and-all, with a notebook and pen by my side, these two great magazines. 3D World and Imagine FX.

I've been taking notes on updated software, contact information on companies all over the world, and studying the art of amazing art nose-to-page. Gosh, there's so amazing, amazing art of there. I'm seriously inspired, right now.

See, now, I know I have it in me. I just have to find my niche. The right one. And go with that. I do love concept art and, I think, I begining to crave game design, as well... Hmm... Like I said I'm all over the place. lol.

In any event, I signed up for two online community forums. Here's my links:


http://community.imaginefx.com/fxpose/lisamaries_portfolio/default.aspx

http://community.conceptart.org/profile.php?id=59944


The last is buggy. Keeps on erasing my customized profile. Grrr. Did it twice already. Just re-doing THAT is distracting me! And I can't upload to my gallery. I dunno. I won't give up on it though. The first forum is great, although my work looks like dirty flattened gum smooshed a clean, sparkling street.

But, I know I have what it takes. Got a few ideas I want to flesh out. But then again...

I become distracted. From completing my site (Which really, in the most basic format of a website, is almost done). I found myself teaching myself all of the little nooks of Flash, to make it a little more stylish. I know I went off tangent with that. I figure now, I could just finish it up and update it later. I just got to get it done, now, for crying out loud!

...So I can move onto making some fresh work to put up on it along with all these sites I'm joining.

I have a potential freelance opportunity coming my way (Thanks to my friend Mats). It would be photoshop work, if I get the gig... but thinking about it against 3d, I am very comfortable in the application. I know I can work faster and more efficinetly in Photoshop.

I'm really grateful, though. I haven't been pursuing a 'career' change quite yet, because of financial reasons (I know that's just a bad wannabe artists' excuse lol). So, thankfully, there's good friends out there that look out for me. I really do appreciate it, even if I don't get the jobs.

I'd like to get a hefty portfolio and just knock these companies' socks off, but it takes time. I keep thinking one thing at a time. It'll happen.

6-month agenda that I'm going to try to stick by:

-Get a Wacom Tablet (Yikes, money, but gotta do it)
-Finish the Website (Simplified, BASIC starter version, right?)
-Pay off Last of Remaining Debt
-Keep myself updated on the art world
-Build a contact list and find some mentors
-Work on my artwork
-Have a social life (somewhere)
-Get a understandable salary in the art world (Please, god)
-Get my own apartment
-Live Happily Ever After

Sounds like a fairy tale right now... It's a lot. But, now it's FOREVER capsuled online, and I'll have to look at it everytime I look at this blog. Hopefully, I'll be able to check them all off the list within a decade.

Okay enough ranting. First on the list is the webiste. In two weeks I'll be able to get the tablet. If I can get the website done in close to that time, I'll get a good flow to be able to continue my work.

Hopefully that job will fall in place, too. We'll see.