A couple weeks ago at my job, on a long trip away from home, I was sitting down for breakfast after a long work filled night, slaving away at the computer in pursuit of my dreams. The night was manic like. I'm tired. Than, the 'ambition' adrenalin kicks in.
At the end of it all, breakfast seemed like a treat.
And it was. I mingled with my fellow employees, ate healthy, and didn't give a crap what I looked like because I knew that the night had satisfied me much more than looking overtired and strung out.
When I finally felt stuffed enough to pull my view from the food infront of me there sat a familiar face that I hadn't see in a while. Pleasant. I nibbled at my food and took in her conversation with the lady adjacent to her. I'm so shot, I'd still rather eat and listen, anyway. Food-and-bed factor were most important.
So, I listen... And as soon as I gave her my attention, the lady turns her attention on me. I was just listening, really, but I made the mistake of looking up. She didn't have to say a word to me. I wouldn't have minded eating my breakfast without a word and heading up to my bed. Again, I'm there for the food and a quick 'hey, morning' to my own crew.
But she did... She said a mouthful around both her coffee and food. Who would have guessed? Multi-talented.
Now, even though she was a familiar face and I felt acquainted with her, she was still a stranger to me, really. And although you'd never guess she would know me enough to really remember me in those piercing aged eyes of hers, she apparently felt she knew me well enough to take a stab. Or maybe I shouldn't have taken it so personally.
Of course, I didn't know the lady sitting next to her. So, I smile politely. The lady seemed friendly enough. She smiled back, and turned her attention on the soft throat clearing surfacing next to her. Those piercing eyes pull me back in, then avert my eyes to the iron pressed smile on her lips. She was taking pleasure, as she spoke:
"Now, I know you said you got your dog in a show on stage..." She begins.
I did. He was cast in Annie's dog in "Annie". I nod.
(This was like four years ago)
I begin to reminisce.
I love my dog and all that. What a fun experience, you know. I remember thinking that I wanted to capture a memory of him. And I did. So much as to see it clearly then and now. And I laugh, as I remember one night he bolted off the stage, too, and brought the poor lead to tears. I smile to myself, even though the community theatre was a bit dry on my own behalf. It was a little bit of a depressing time. But the memory was great.... Where is she going with this, I think to myself, especially with that look she had on her face, basking in whatever she was feeling.
"Yeah," I said.
"I always expect to hear about you leaving," she quickly comments about the job, glancing over at her quiet neighbor. A hearty laugh from beaten lungs follows. "I didn't know you're dog was going to be the famous one."
Dropkicked, I sit there. Ouch. My stomach is now in my heart, like she kicked me in the *unt. It hurt. I sat there like an idiot, screaming out profanities in my head with nothing sounding from my mouth, not even indigestion, or a burp, to release into her line of path. Quick wit felt like quicksand.
She was a co-worker. And it was nice to see a familiar face. But she didn't know me. My sensitivity balloon just popped inside, spilling my emotions out all the way to the very tips of my fingers. I was almost clucthing the table.... Now, if I felt I let myself down as far as my acting career goes, that was my business. But, I guess that's why it hurt so bad. Because it is my business.
The lady next to her laughed too. Not as loud as the other, but enough to keep the atmosphere from going stale. God forbid it did. There can never be a dull moment with a bunch of people that don't know each other. Just put a bunch of strangers together for an extended amount of time and see who survives the longest.
Unless they're perfect strangers. Right. To me, there's no middle ground between not knowing someone and knowing someone. If you know someone enough, it's okay to step out of bounds once in awhile, I guess. It happens. And it happens even when you don't know someone, but.... you would think people knew better. Especially a grown adult. Maybe she felt she knew me well enough.
Or maybe she was just trying to hurt my feelings, so that she could...? I don't know if she honestly could've felt any better about herself. Hmm. Perhaps, she didn't realize just how sensitive I was. Or maybe she just didn't think I was sensitive at all. Insensitivity apparently exists.
Familiar faces doesn't mean closeness. Familiar faces are faces that you know you've seen around and you have to familiarize yourself with them again, so that you know the face. I hated the fact that I was familiar with her at that moment, because I still felt I had to be cordial for some reason. Even if I hadn't known her, I'd probably be modest. You have to be modest with co-workers. My dreams were nothing to her in the begining, middle, and throughout the conversation of a short lived conversation. She left shortly after that.
What the hell does she care, I thought. So, it shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did...
I guess it bothered me because she didn't give a crap about me AND felt she had to sucker-punch me in the process. She didn't mean it, though. So, cheers to useless time-filling conversation.
I never had the dream of being famous. But, then again, I never thought I'd be compared to my famous dog.
And I sit here tonight, bothered by myself. Just about hating to coexist with myself. Slightly depressed considering all levels of depression, but fuctioning on a lackadaisical level to try and make myself feel better.
My short story. My lovely job to build up experiences that will become either fuzzy or clear memories. And nothing more, except the good things fighting their way to filter out all the bad inside.
I love to dream. Sometimes I dream that I'm living in a dream. Because in ironies of reality, coexistence almost seems fictional. We've all experienced this heightened sense of being on the outside looking in at the pangs of your life under the judgement of others. And it's even more horrible if you're not happy with your life on some level or another. You either walk away or you sit there completely dumbfounded.
Sometimes it makes you feel like this:
Hah. I think this entry helped me get over it. Whatever with it.
Only I am responsible for being happy with my life. No one else will bring me any farther down but myself. If I can live a life where I would have time to do everything that I hoped to do, I know that I tried my hardest to live my life to its fullest. That's enough for me. I'll try my hardest to do it all.
There's my moral. (I knew I had a point somewhere)
These are old, old, old drawings of mine. Almost ten years old some of them. I've learned a lot since then. The abstraction's too complicated. One day, once my site is done, I'd like to break them down into simplfied shapes, and work on a turn table and poses for all of them, just like I'm doing with Billy.
I'd like to bring them into Photoshop and redo them all digitally. Then, bring them into the 3d software and make an entire world for them. (Yes, ten years of work at my rate...lol) But that's one of my dreams.
I broke my promise of posting up my web image. I seemed to have taken a small temporary turn doing another 'off the wagon' piece. It's ok. I wanted to come onto this blog with something tonight since I haven't be here in a while.
So, there was a bit of my past.
And the present. I've got a nice little vacation planned in two weeks. I've been exercising regularly. I've been working with my new tablet. And my bills finally dropping to the point I can feel not too worried anymore. Just, still, not enough time for everything.
Here's a couple more sketches of Billy:
I wanted to draw him in out of element situations to test how comfortable I'm getting with drawing him. I'm pretty happy with the drawing, although I would've liked to capture a little more emotion in the suit drawing. And he seems a little stiff and anatomically inaccurate somewhere in his right arm in the cannonball pose. I think it's the overlapping of the muscles in his elbow. And his right foot, too.
But overall, I think they're a good start. (Eventually I'll get all of his drawings digital and posted up on this blog together)
Whether it be old work or new work... I'll post some more stuff tomorrow.
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