ADDICTION

It comes in all different forms.


The published definition: "To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually or compulsively". I'm prone to compulsion.

Compulsion is written as "a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, esp. one that is irrational or contrary to one's will".

To be honest, I didn't want to do this tonight... Really, I was lonely. I went to the bookstore as I usually do to do my research for my website. I didn't want to go home and do the usual routine, after the bookstore closed.

I felt restless at the same time I felt dull. Everything in my life, from little to large, seemed so far away.

So, I drove... Chain-smoking and singing in my car to a song that still pains me (irnonically playing at a painful moment). I felt impassioned. I just kept driving.

I thought about playing pool. Having a beer. I thought about walking in by myself. And shrugged it off figuring I've done a lot of things by myself (A scary movie in an empty theatre was probably the strangest). But pool would be no different from the other times. I'm reasonly comfortable in my own skin.



THEN, I thought about not being able to break up the table. Or not being able to get shots in. I thought about all the guys looking at me when I walked in... About how I didn't have any money and I really shouldn't use my credit card. In the end, I did it anyway.

I walked in. But they didn't take credit card and they didn't have a liqour license. (It wasn't my usual dive). Not to mention that guy at the counter had to politely bring it to my attention that I was by myself. I said, "I know". ...And...??? I thought. Well, No credit card. Hmm. My luck. It wasn't meant to be. Let me take my imaginary friend and myself back out the door.

So I went home. I took a long and thoughtful shower, and got myself motivated for the usual routine. Yes, it's pathetic. But not as pathetic as a night of pool by myself, and knowing my compulsion that's what it would have turned into.

I'm starting to think, when I get really consumed with something in particular, I'm actually just addicted to it. What consumes me, I don't know... I'll probably get consumed thinking about what consumes me. Really my brain is like one giant racetrack of circulating overexhausted thoughts.

BUT all in all the night, in the end, was good. I figured out the major glitches in my website, allowing it to be viewed over browser windows of multiple resolutions. And, as I wanted, to line the mock image I have flush up against the right screen. The former being most crucial, crucial.

And I got a couple drawings in. I'm starting to get a good feel for the character. I tried to kill two birds with one stone and throw in some facial expressions. But today's mission (after I pass out) will be strictly facial expressions and cleaning up the images digitally. And hopefully, to begin designing the division-blocks for my site in Flash.

So, there's alot to do... but gosh is it hard to motivate myself out of my rut sometimes.

I'll end it with the small epitamphy of my terrible personality:
"The void calls out for satisfaction, a satisfaction that must be repeated endlessly, since the void is unfillable and that cycle of hunger, momentary completeness and renewed emptiness comes to be the sole drama of the addicts life"

Peter Trachtenberg
Some addictions, I guess, are hopefully, are good addictions.