ADDICTION

It comes in all different forms.


The published definition: "To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually or compulsively". I'm prone to compulsion.

Compulsion is written as "a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, esp. one that is irrational or contrary to one's will".

To be honest, I didn't want to do this tonight... Really, I was lonely. I went to the bookstore as I usually do to do my research for my website. I didn't want to go home and do the usual routine, after the bookstore closed.

I felt restless at the same time I felt dull. Everything in my life, from little to large, seemed so far away.

So, I drove... Chain-smoking and singing in my car to a song that still pains me (irnonically playing at a painful moment). I felt impassioned. I just kept driving.

I thought about playing pool. Having a beer. I thought about walking in by myself. And shrugged it off figuring I've done a lot of things by myself (A scary movie in an empty theatre was probably the strangest). But pool would be no different from the other times. I'm reasonly comfortable in my own skin.



THEN, I thought about not being able to break up the table. Or not being able to get shots in. I thought about all the guys looking at me when I walked in... About how I didn't have any money and I really shouldn't use my credit card. In the end, I did it anyway.

I walked in. But they didn't take credit card and they didn't have a liqour license. (It wasn't my usual dive). Not to mention that guy at the counter had to politely bring it to my attention that I was by myself. I said, "I know". ...And...??? I thought. Well, No credit card. Hmm. My luck. It wasn't meant to be. Let me take my imaginary friend and myself back out the door.

So I went home. I took a long and thoughtful shower, and got myself motivated for the usual routine. Yes, it's pathetic. But not as pathetic as a night of pool by myself, and knowing my compulsion that's what it would have turned into.

I'm starting to think, when I get really consumed with something in particular, I'm actually just addicted to it. What consumes me, I don't know... I'll probably get consumed thinking about what consumes me. Really my brain is like one giant racetrack of circulating overexhausted thoughts.

BUT all in all the night, in the end, was good. I figured out the major glitches in my website, allowing it to be viewed over browser windows of multiple resolutions. And, as I wanted, to line the mock image I have flush up against the right screen. The former being most crucial, crucial.

And I got a couple drawings in. I'm starting to get a good feel for the character. I tried to kill two birds with one stone and throw in some facial expressions. But today's mission (after I pass out) will be strictly facial expressions and cleaning up the images digitally. And hopefully, to begin designing the division-blocks for my site in Flash.

So, there's alot to do... but gosh is it hard to motivate myself out of my rut sometimes.

I'll end it with the small epitamphy of my terrible personality:
"The void calls out for satisfaction, a satisfaction that must be repeated endlessly, since the void is unfillable and that cycle of hunger, momentary completeness and renewed emptiness comes to be the sole drama of the addicts life"

Peter Trachtenberg
Some addictions, I guess, are hopefully, are good addictions.

I DETOURED...

Well, I cleaned off my drafting table, and got my studio organized. I was just itching to work on some artwork. This is Billy Buck, a character whose orignal concept I created about a year ago.... I figured he was the easiest to start off with (and of couse quickest to get finished).

So, yeah, I detoured a bit. But I figured while I was figuring out some kinks in my website and doing my research reading books, I might as well squeeze in some time to build up my portfolio.




I've been digging into Flash books. I ran into a problem with fixed width vs. fluid width. Seems the site I'm using as a layout guide is primarily fluid,and I've been having a problem with my side image floating all over the place when I switch from my desktop browser to my labtop browser. (Atleast I'm understanding the problem... sigh...) Now I have to figure out the best approach. I will probably just adjust everything and go with a fixed layout, but I wanted to do some tests first so I can see exactly how I'll have to adjust the layout with my initial style.

Well, enough about the site. It consumes enough of my thousts. I'd just like to write that it feels good to peel into my roots again. I feel a sense of confidence. Billy still needs a lot of work, but I was a lot more scared before than I am now. I will probably do some more concept designs before bringing him into the 3d application. I'm not happy with his side view (or any of my character's side views for that matter). My characters always look like damn monkeys! I know anatomically that there's definitely an error over there... Gesture wise, I feel he looks pretty comfy in that seat... I don't feel any stiffness in his poses (besides the original concept)... So, that's good.

My next step will just be to get more comfortable drawing the character in all different positions in all different scenarios. I just want to concentrate on representing his personality. And I'd like to do a series of facial expressions. I'm hoping to do this within the next few days, while I run the tests on the site and finish up the site's side image.

As far as my other design, I haven't given up it. I scanned it in, blew it up, printed it out. I plan to adjust the perspective and add in the detail. I'll hash out a good angle in the 3d program with mock objects and print it out. And use that as a reference (By the way, I SUCK at perspective). I credit my teacher and mentor, Jeff Lerer, for that tip! That project will be a looong project... specifically because I want to take a lot of time of detailing. But for some reason I can't get myself to work on it without getting the Wacom tablet first. It gives me motivation to get the stupid tablet! Next month. Next check. I swear it. For now, just Billy and my site. (I know I'm all over the place...)

As far as my life, it's the same old. When I make artwork and I feel the session was successful, it makes me feel really, really good. I guess that's all I can ask for of myself right now. lol.

It may be a long journey, but I got the shoes with good soles. :)
Thank god for inspiration...

Meant To Be This Way... (I'm sure of it)

SO, I get back from Africa, extremely motivated and inspired, but rundown, pyschologically and physically beaten, and jetlagged to the point of near death... Still, I hauled my unlively body out of my sicking matress at nine am, ran my errands, drew out a quick thumbnail or two, and picked up my labtop.

And then... figured I'd top the day off continuing on my site, figuring I'd been neglecting it the past month or so.

Until now, I fail to mention that I had both OS's on my computers customized... So, I had to reinstall everything. The problem was not that I didn't back everything up (because, genius me, I did)...

The problem is that after reinstalling everything, my website files aren't uploading onto the local server correctly. For some reason, everything's misaligned and all over the place... and, to put it short and frank, crapped-out looking. I don't know if it's because I have a new internet explorer or if it's something in my settings. It's too early in the morning to go and figure it out, but I DO know that I arranged my layout 'inline', so it shouldn't be that way (shouldn't being the key word in the sentence)...

Okay, now, THE PLAN:

So, I can salvage what's little left of the little beauty I found in my site... but I can just do as my gut was telling me from the last post I wrote--- Redesign. Make it more Dynamic. I want to throw in some flash. Make it look less generic and more stylish... So, as the header of my post "It Was Meant to Be This Way"... It's not that God hates me, I hope. :(

So, I backtrack a little. I'm going to plow through the internet after I get home from work tomorrow and look for reference; Sites of interest/inspiration and I'm going to analyze them to death, takes notes, and hopefully be able to create the masterpiece I envision. What would you do, besides start tying the knot to hang yourself? lol.

Web Design isn't really my speciality, but if I can acheive beauty out of it, than I could consider it an art... Isn't this what art's all about? Anyway, God bless all you web designers.

Enough. Well, I know I promised I'd upload the sketches I came up with, but I may wait until I get a little farther ahead with the project. With the casuality of my website it seems I may have a lot of project(s) ahead of me... Until then, thanks for bearing with me while I bitch and moan about my bad luck.

A Quick Run Down.

It's Three o'clock in the morning and I have to wake up for a looonng flight to Nigeria tomorrow morning.

I fixed up my page (again) on my Concept Art link and I think I've finally figured out the trick (which would be NOT to alter my page in anyway while at another computer). I'm going to try that, because I don't think I can stand fixing the color components of my page every other week. It's a huge waste of time... So that's my little plan for that: "Don't Touch while away".

Last night in the moonlight I sketched a quick gesture thumbnail of my first concept drawing. I 'll work on a few more, posing the character at different perpectives and more interesting angles. Just to see which I like best.

In any event, for all those who get OC with the fear of your gesture drawing looking horrible, my best advice would be to draw in crappy lighting. You can't see too much, so you don't worry as much. lol. I like the method. Helps me hash things out better. I looked at the sketch today and it actually looks pretty decent (surprisingly). I'll upload my all of the sketches on my next post or so.

Been thinking about my site a lot. How to make it more dynamic looking. I'll sit on that for a couple days and sketch out some layouts of that, too.

And about the Wacom tablet-- God help you people who work on 4x5's! Think I'll wait until I get my paycheck. I'm leaning towards the 6x8 or the 9x12. The 4x5 just isn't worth it.

And I haven't heard anything from that company reccommended me to just yet. I'm crossing my fingers. The man I spoke with on the phone last week said he would email me sometime this week. Ugh. The suspense.

Okay, well, until then, I'm up, up, and away to Africa.

Ugh... Too many Things Interest Me...

I've been very distracted lately. All over the place, yes. Uninspired, no. So, my update is this:

I've been reading these magazines while at work. See what too much down time on the job will do to you?? Anyway, goodbye viral gossip magazines.

I figured if any magazines I should be reading, it should be ones that pertain to my ulimate career desire to be an artist. So I've been reading word-for-word, front-to-back, ads-and-all, with a notebook and pen by my side, these two great magazines. 3D World and Imagine FX.

I've been taking notes on updated software, contact information on companies all over the world, and studying the art of amazing art nose-to-page. Gosh, there's so amazing, amazing art of there. I'm seriously inspired, right now.

See, now, I know I have it in me. I just have to find my niche. The right one. And go with that. I do love concept art and, I think, I begining to crave game design, as well... Hmm... Like I said I'm all over the place. lol.

In any event, I signed up for two online community forums. Here's my links:


http://community.imaginefx.com/fxpose/lisamaries_portfolio/default.aspx

http://community.conceptart.org/profile.php?id=59944


The last is buggy. Keeps on erasing my customized profile. Grrr. Did it twice already. Just re-doing THAT is distracting me! And I can't upload to my gallery. I dunno. I won't give up on it though. The first forum is great, although my work looks like dirty flattened gum smooshed a clean, sparkling street.

But, I know I have what it takes. Got a few ideas I want to flesh out. But then again...

I become distracted. From completing my site (Which really, in the most basic format of a website, is almost done). I found myself teaching myself all of the little nooks of Flash, to make it a little more stylish. I know I went off tangent with that. I figure now, I could just finish it up and update it later. I just got to get it done, now, for crying out loud!

...So I can move onto making some fresh work to put up on it along with all these sites I'm joining.

I have a potential freelance opportunity coming my way (Thanks to my friend Mats). It would be photoshop work, if I get the gig... but thinking about it against 3d, I am very comfortable in the application. I know I can work faster and more efficinetly in Photoshop.

I'm really grateful, though. I haven't been pursuing a 'career' change quite yet, because of financial reasons (I know that's just a bad wannabe artists' excuse lol). So, thankfully, there's good friends out there that look out for me. I really do appreciate it, even if I don't get the jobs.

I'd like to get a hefty portfolio and just knock these companies' socks off, but it takes time. I keep thinking one thing at a time. It'll happen.

6-month agenda that I'm going to try to stick by:

-Get a Wacom Tablet (Yikes, money, but gotta do it)
-Finish the Website (Simplified, BASIC starter version, right?)
-Pay off Last of Remaining Debt
-Keep myself updated on the art world
-Build a contact list and find some mentors
-Work on my artwork
-Have a social life (somewhere)
-Get a understandable salary in the art world (Please, god)
-Get my own apartment
-Live Happily Ever After

Sounds like a fairy tale right now... It's a lot. But, now it's FOREVER capsuled online, and I'll have to look at it everytime I look at this blog. Hopefully, I'll be able to check them all off the list within a decade.

Okay enough ranting. First on the list is the webiste. In two weeks I'll be able to get the tablet. If I can get the website done in close to that time, I'll get a good flow to be able to continue my work.

Hopefully that job will fall in place, too. We'll see.

New Header Design

I'm My Own Worst Critic.

Well, finished my text on my header. Right now, I'm not too sure if I'm completely satisfied with it, but I think that I'm just going to keep going and add the background design in. (Hoping that it will juice it up a little)

I feel it's a little to bubbly for my tastes... My aim is for a stylized, friendly, but professional look. When it comes to criticism of my work, I may just by my own worst enemy. I love art, but god let me butcher the perfectionist in me! One day I'll kick it all aside and drop it like the bad habit it is. That's a promise.

I'm going to try out some background designs and see how I feel about it after. Otherwise, there's a font that I found online that I like. I could easily make a nice background to flow with that font. It's simple and elegant. (You know, I have a sneaking suspicion that I was never intended to have a future as a font designer, anyways). That task was my key clue. Now I absolutely know for sure--- no font deisgn career for me!

Anyway, here's a glimpse of my fonting expertise:
(Now don't be too critical)
(Still a heavy work in progress)

Fonts.

Wow. It's a big world, the world of fonts.

So, now the background image is complete, and I'm currently in progress of figuring out a the text treatment and design for my masthead, now.

I came across a great website, if there are any font junkies out there. There's a slew of unique fonts in this site, from a-z, for both PC and Mac, and they are all free. If interested...

http://www.sketchpad.net/freefonts.htm
(Courtesy of Mike Doughty)

Alright, with this short post, I'm back to work.

Here's the finalized background. I decided that the top decal was overbearing to the image, and added the bottom decal and half-opacity to soften things up.

Dedication and Inspiration

So, this halloween weekend has been a little crazy, but I still found time to work on my website. It was a great weekend, and nicely enough I think I might be all partied out.

Now, with a full week off of work, dedication is key. I have a goal to get this site up before the end of November. One month more of decoding websites, buying CSS style books, and teaching myself Dreamweaver.

After browsing through templates and inspiration from my friend, I'm tempted to add some flash in there to make it a little more dynamic. That might very easily tack on another month. I'm starting to think distraction comes more from being overly inquistive than from actual lack of focus. Hmm.

Well, here is the background design, near completion and without its opacity. It's a combination of my own design with references from a hotel floor design that I saw while overseas. The color scheme is similar to that of my site.



I thank my friends that continue to inspire me. I'll get there hopefully. It just might take me some time...

Power Struggles.

Less than human. Insecurities. Defense mechanisms. Walls. Hiding your heart. Kindness without repercussion. To be kind in this day in age is opening yourself up for an onslaught. Not to say being mean works, but I tend to level with people. I try to keep my heart time-released now. I need proof of authenticity.

I tend to think I'm both sweet and sour (some of my firends tend to think so too), not to judge or dishonor company, to listen, learn, and respond in accordance with my opinions. Had my opinions been too strong to the outside, perhaps it would be called a power struggle???

To be honest I am a competitor at heart, but I always try to respect the world and people around me. I refuse to be intimidated or persuaded. If I didn't have a voice and views, I'd be compliant, yes, but I'd be weak. Not that I'd want to outwit ayone, because what's really the point of even holding a conversation if all you do is hear yourself, and hear yourself being "right"? Opinions are opinions. The productivity of a conversation comes for attempting to understand where the other person is coming from, not who can say what better or with more information attached.

If it were a power struggle, I couldn't determine my M.O. But should I be open to accept that I was indeed struggling for power, instead of feeling manipulated to think that it was a power struggle, I reasearched into it:

"http://www.magneticworkplaces.com/html/articles/conflict/doublewin.htm"
If you have never experienced a power struggle, you have probably never been in a close human relationship. Power struggles occur in every type of relationship – co-workers, boss/subordinate, business competitors, spouses, family members, and sometimes even strangers – in which there is an apparently “scarce resource.”

Others may be more intangible, such as:
· being right;
· having things done a certain way;
· having needs met first;
· looking good or bad in front of bosses or peers.

HOW TO DIMINISH A POWER STRUGGLE:
1. Broaden your perspective.
2. Reach a definition of the problem that includes the problems perceived by all involved.
3. Set aside preconceived ideas and prejudices.
4. Don’t solve the problem too quickly.
5. Make action plans concrete.

Hmm, I didn't look into the conversation that much, but...
For some reason, I feel that in the end it was a manipulation to feel badly about myself, but then again maybe I'm just struggling for power within my own self, instead of struggling for power with everyone else.

(What happened to light and fun evenings?)

Predictability.

My friend once said to me that if I tried to lay down a path for myself, in ten years from now it may all be completely different than what I had forseen for myself. That only God will know my true path.

If tarot cards can hold your fate and destiny at there exposure, and I ask the same question twice, getting different results, is my life truly undefined? I mean, not even knowing where the cards came from. Who hands they were in before...

It seems ominous to me to chance my life by someone else's deal. It seems just as omnious to chance my life with my own deal, if I had even known how to predict. To me fate is more powerful than a deck of cards.

It's almost like couterattacking whatever's already in store for you, should there be some error or tainting in the cards or their dealer. It is a threat to fate to disrupt or try to predict the natural course of life.

To squash your life into more than one possible outcome, leaves your fate more in outside hands and less in your own. You're less of yourself, and more for the cards. It's like reading a horoscope, and wanting to believe it when it's good, and not believing in when it's bad. Feeling almost threatned when it doesn't prove accurate.

I may not be able to predict my future, but to attempt to have it predicted means to accept a fate from a power that is not my own. I'd rather it be as much in my own hands as possible.

It may be a reassurance if the draw was good, or to keep me on my toes, if the draw were bad... but I'd rather live in the unknown. Not predictable. Makes life less fun.

Then again, we were just bored at work. What else is there to do but evoke our fates so high up in the skies? Tempting as it is.

(I tend to try to think that I'm more of an observer of destiny and less of a conspirer against it)

Not Enough Time In The Day...

Anyone Agree?

Ten minutes= Getting out of bed (Actually waking up)
One hour= To look decent in the public eye
Ten minutes= To get coffee
One minute= To heat up coffee
Fourteen hours= Of a stupid job
Overtime= Prepping my site for an art career

And everything in between would be all things that need to been taken care of to coexist with myself: Piles of neglected laundry, Cleaning my room, running errands, and keeping up with the little social life I can afford to have right now.

They say: "Creative Minds are Seldom Tidy" ...Whew, do I believe it.

So mediocrity I was looking up after this post on one of my favorite reference sites, www.dictionary.com

me‧di‧o‧cre  [mee-dee-oh-ker]
(adjective)
1. of only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate.
2. rather poor or inferior.

(Why is ordinary or moderate quality in the same line as barely adequate and in the same description as poor or inferior???) It feels a little hypocritical to put 'ordinary' with 'barely adequate'. What kind of person, place, or thing would that describe? Just because it's ordinary, means it's inferior or inadequate? Hmm, got my mind thinking.

Enough analyzing. Not enough time for that, either.
(www.dictionary.com really is a great site by the way)

Cliche?

Maybe. But it's a case of "pressure of the blank page".

Well, this would be my first blog entry. So, I guess first I'd like to say an official 'hello' to the online community. I'm working on setting up a website for myself, and I sort of sidetracked myself into blog-world.

At heart, I'm a writer. So it's kind of easy for me to get sidetacked with this. I enjoy it and I take pride in it. I've written near to a thousand pages of both finished and unfinished, a lot of lost and some recovered, work. (Cried for days... That was when I hated computers).

I started writing when I was fourteen. Finished an entire novel by sixteen. I sent it out to get published, and was 250 pages into the sequel when the company got back to me. If only I knew what 'unsolicitated' meant then would have saved me a lot of trouble. And over a decade later... no... It's history.

In my site, I hope to include some of my work. You'll either like it or you'll hate it. Mediocre is a non-opinion, anyway. Mediocrity is the ulimate cliche.